| it seems so out of context |
[01 29 08] |
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wow. long time no post. Things have fucking changed in my life. Somedays i wake up and i feel like i can't control anything anymore. like its all flying past without any time for me to process whats going on. I feel really disconected from everyone. and i'm living way to fast. i can't say that enough. its happening so fast. Since august i've just been on all the time. Constantly worrying about my mom and my sisters and cigarettes and if anyone really appricates me. College, school, tests, my life. I look at a list of college majors and i freak out. I'm really fucking scared im going to mkae the wrong decsion in my major, or my college and be stuck with it for the rest of my life and reading all of this makes me really angry how i can't not worry about anything.
I feel like when im with my friends i make bad fuckng decsions. Every weekend im smoking pot, or im drinking, or im searching for someone to smoke me up, or im pissed becuase no gas staions will sell to me becuase i don't have an id that says im 18. I went to wrok stoned two days in a row and im constantly crashing. And claire's gotten arrested, then got caught drinking then her parents found her pipe and then she got caught drinking again and i feel like i can't talk to her about how its getting way out of control becuase im just as bad as she is. I smoke pot just as much as she does, i drink just as much as she does, I have a pack just as much as she does. and since i can't talk to her about chilling out for a while im afriad im just going to get worse. to say the least i've been fucking stressed.
I met andrew a week ago and we're dating now and thats just really scary. but i can't stop thinking about him and thus talkinga bout him becuase i can't ever shut up becuase i feel the need to cover up my insecurites by jabbering on and on about nothing so people will think im normal and i don't have anxiety issues and that im not depressed anymore. but its all a lie. I'm anxious, I'm depressed, I'm sick of alot of shit in my life right now and im afraid one day its all going to cave in and it will all be too much to pick up and deal with. and i like andrew. and he legit cares about me. i think im falling hard.
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[06 21 07] |
PARIS!
ASSHHHHAKSLDFHLKASDF
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| you are not the sun |
[04 16 07] |
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im afraid to go to college after what happened today at virgina tech. its sick and disgusting and disturbing. and it could have been prevented.
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[01 07 07] |
to those who wish to read my livejournal who don't actually have one.
i have decided to go friends only.
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| wait here |
[01 06 07] |
i just got cancelled on five times. (one of them i didn't even talk to the person who was cancelling on me)
stuff that needs to be said (not naming names)
fuck you for thinking what you do. fuck you for trying to turn every single fucking argument back on me. it never has been nor never was my fault everytime you made me intentionally feel like shit. next time don't think you can get away with it, becuase there isn't even going to be a next time. i am done with you.
i hate growing apart from you. i didn't even know that you were having a fucking surgury today. like i understand why we did, but that doesn't make the process less painful.
The only reason i flirt with you is becuase i want to know whether or not i am desirable to you, i can't see our future going anywhere passed what we are right now, except for the few intoxicated memories that would prove my theory
at least i tried to make things better.
you are self absorbed and inept. you know nothing about what goes on outside your perfect fucking world. everytime you open your mouth something naive and incredibly idotic comes out. you gather your "statistics" based on so fact whatso ever. i hope your sheltered life shatters into a million little pieces. not once have you ever accepted my apology. accidents happen. your morals make no sense whatso ever and you need to lighten the fuck up about everything
no matter how many times i will make fun of you or critize your situation, i hope for nothing worse than what is going on. the truth is that i am extremly jelous of what you have, you have true love now, and you had true love before. that is everything that i have ever wanted, and it pains me to see that you can't have it either right now. but it is out there for you. things will work out, i promise you. and i will never ever forget the way you made me feel back then. i just hope that when you look back on memories, you don't feel ashamed of me, i never meant for you to know this much. i barely know you, and i know that i am indebted to you in every aspect of my life, no matter how torn apart i am.
I wish you could help me
i hope that when you grow up, you will finally understand the meaning of respect
i'm sorry for ever hurting you. i'm sorry for making you think what we had was something it wasn't. i'm sorry for everything.
i respect you for your decsion. however sometimes i really wish you had made the wrong one, so i wouldn't have to be here suffereing in front of you. i know it hurts you, somewhere it does, and no matter how many times you try and deny the fact. if something goes wrong, its not your fault.
there is such thing as karma, and you have alot coming toward you.
your my baby, sometimes i wish that you can feel what i feel everyday. just for a couple of minutes, maybe that woudl make you understand. i don't know. i can count on you to just be there. but i am scared that one day i will hurt you. and i don't want to. i want to make a memory with you that will last a lifetime. if anything happened to you my life woudl fall apart. i feel confident to say that i love you
when are you going to realize that i have been here all along?
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[12 25 06] |
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Saturday consisted of getting extremly high and hooking up with smitty. then staying at home and wishing that i had a friend that i actually felt comfortable around. instead of having to fake my entire existance. Then yesterday. Christmas eve. after having an honest to god 20 minute fight wiht my mother over a stupid thing like what sweater i should wear to Nick's house. I got ready and stuff made amixed cd for adian and tess and watching tv and what not I left to go to nicks house where we played wii tennis and i went driving in winnies car. That was fun. We also watched little miss sunshine. which was hilarious by the way. Then we like at dinner and stuff and burnt cds. Then Adian and his tribe came over and we exchanged bounty in the form of mixed cd's and scarfs.
and i absolutley adore the mix he made for me. and we just hung out and i burnt acouple of cd's. Brand new the devil and god are raging inside of me, my chemical romance the black parade, and the new saosin. which i am very excited about.
and today i watched the devil wears prada with my mother and opened some presents. nothing special.
my new goal is to make a good mixed cd by the end of winter break
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[12 23 06] |
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I feel like i have made no progress since last year.
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[12 23 06] |
Tomorrow is christmas
it doesn't feel like christmas.
i have a headache.
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| I rock parties from the east to the west |
[12 21 06] |
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ONE MORE DAY UNTILL WINTER MO FUCKKING BREAK! KDJFLKASDJFLKASJDFLKASJDFLKASD
i took two tests today, my goal was to get a b or better on both of them. considering i spent all this past week studying for them!
junior year registration is in a couple weeks, i got the course sheet today. I'm going ot be a junior next year. that is so scary to think about.
I might have to get surgery on my knee, thats also something really scary i've been thinking out.
good thing is i celebrated thirsty/tokeup thursday today. and i still ahve soooo much left.
I CAN'T WAIT UNTILL SUNDAY!
EditX1///////// NICK GOT TICKETS TO THE BRAND NEW CONCERT IN MARCH. OH MY FUCKING GOD.
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[12 20 06] |
i have two tests tomorrow.
i have been writing so much lately, i put a couple of things that i wrote in summer in for out of the blue. now all i have to do is wiat for our first meeting so we can edit them, then get some idea s for what i should write next.
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| its hard to wake up |
[12 15 06] |
man this knee deal is really bringing me down, not only has my average walking speed decreased ten fold, i can take about thirteen steps before me knee starts to convulse under pressure. Today sucked
I'm grounded. i ahve alot of homework. and i just want this semester to be over with so i can start the fuck over.
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| I know there's a reason |
[12 14 06] |
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Today was an okay day
Positives
+made a really cool watercolor in art
+Answered alot of questions in geo and spanish
+was only late to three classes!
+Did alot on my self portrait during lunch
+ we played seranade in orchestra and i love that song.
+got carried down the stairs by patty fagan
-helped TT with her routine
Negatives
-Fell about nine times
-had to sit in the hot pool room during lifegaurding instead of getting in and helping jamie backboard
-didn't take any ibuprophen untill after lunch
- i'm getting about four c's.
-had really bad cramps
-had to watch gymnastics and not participate
-i had to talk about my injury constantly which made me really depressed.
other than that, yeah. i guess everything kind of equalled out.
i'm just really down at this point
but i wrote alot.
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[12 13 06] |
oh yeah, soooo
i dislocated my knee cap. might have torn ligamnets or tendons. i have to wait to see an orthopedic surgen. i walked with crutches which hurt. and got really frustrated when they would fall.
people that have made it a point not to talk to me since 7th grade, acted like they cared when they saw me today that made me really fucking angry
i didn't finish my floor routine, i couldn't compete on beam i spent three hours in the emergency room. and i want to fucking walk normal again.
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[12 12 06] |
My first gymnastics meet is tonight.
oh god. i am so so anxious. i'm afriad that my pot addled brain won't remember parts of my routine, and i am not very good at making shit up off of the top of my head.
good thing it is against port. and apparently they are a really easy team.
i'm getting three c's.
i can't find control in anything anymore
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| The kids were shouting let us out! |
[12 10 06] |
Alright so wow. This last week was a really bad week. First off, on monday i found out i couldn't go to my orchestra concert becuase of drivers ed. so then my mom started yelling at me for not being responsible and checking ahead or whatever. and i just yelled back. like what the fuck none of that shit was my fault when i signed up for the class in fucking october. okay? don't tell me its my fault. so then i was like mom this is bullshit why am i getting yelled at for this. and then she grounded me for three weeks. so yeah. Then my mom didn't talk to me for three days. which sucked. by thursday it was all okay, i guess. but honestly. it wasn't because i was grounded or anything I just got really low. it took alot not breakdown. i still don't feel like anyone of my "friends" cares about me.
Well thursday at lunch i got hooked up with some whitewidow headies. and i got fukkkkkeeedd uppp. yeah then i went to speech and played a mime game of catch with mike and what not. then thursday night i went driving. I got up to 45! and i didn't almost crash into anything. uhh yeah. then friday i went to gymnastics then came home and made pasta and went to bed.
yeah yesterday i got my mom's birthday present. at the stupid mall. that i have been to every weekend since it opened. and i babysat.
Right now i really need to write my speech. but it doesn't need to be anything special at all. I hate mrs. jost. that pregnant anteater bitch.
i feel so alone.
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[12 08 06] |
So i'm basically grounded for three weeks because i had to miss my orchestra concert on Wednesday night, and two gymnastics meets this week because of drivers ed.
yeah fuck that shit.
i'm stressed out, my grades are horrible, i write alot, but nothing seems to be getting any better at all.
i went driving last night though. it was good. i'm not as horrible as i thought i woudl have been.
anyways. i'm so tired i think i am going to go to bed
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[12 06 06] |
fyi
i'm grounded for three weeks and my mom isn't talking to me.
great life huh?
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| you were the last good thing about this part of town |
[12 01 06] |
Alright, so besides school being cancelled today, (ZOMG BEST THING EVER!!2111!!!!!!11!1!!!@!@!!!!) I had a relativley good day, I didn' break down crying at all, which is good.
I woke up this morning at five thirty to take a shower, and then found out i didn't ahve school at like 6:30, but then I was already dressed and make-up done and whatnot, so I didn't go back to bed. I talked to George and Josh for a while. then iw atched tv. then i shoveled, which i wasn't that mad about. It felt good to be outside. and then I went to maddie's. and then Her Tess and I went to Jean Pierre's, and then rented some O.C, and went back to emily's. That was fun. I had fun today. but now i ahve driver's ed tonight! uhhh and then I'm driving for the first time ever tonight! which uhhhh. yeah. after 6'' of snow. yeaaahhh. lets hope i don't crash.
anyways yeah. I'm so glad that there was no school today!
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[12 01 06] |
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH
TODAY HAS TO BE THE BEST DAY OF THIS YEAR
BAY HAS A MOTHERFUCKING SNOW DAY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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[11 30 06] |
I have my floor routine!!!!
i am inlove with it.
I skipped the drivers ed tonight. whatever.
anyways.
uhh. I'm doing a speech on why canada is better than america. basically.
wow, do i seriously not have anything important to say?
give me something to talk about
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| Giving up on me |
[11 29 06] |
I got my temps yesterday!
and like, 16 seconds of my new floor routine, which is amazing by the way!
but i had a bad day. Like a really bad, i just want to go home and go under the covers untill the sun explodes kind of day.
yeah and i really don't like it when people say they are trying to "help" me, when really they are just trying to find out if i'm angry at them or not.
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[11 28 06] |
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i hate being stressed out.
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